While
many transvestites, male and female, heterosexual and homosexual,
want to have a meaningful and loving relationship with another
person, most fear that discovery of their need to crossdress
will result in total rejection. So, not wanting to chance
being rejected by their lovers, they choose to conceal their
behavior. Some transvestites believe that marriage or a
similar committed relationship will enable them to stop
crossdressing. But this is rarely the case and the need
continues. As a relationship progresses, the transvestite
is faced with a dilemma; should the behavior be revealed,
or should it be concealed? On the positive side for disclosure
is openness and honesty in the relationship. On the negative
side is the relationship's possible dissolution. Transvestites
who choose to share this facet of their personality can
expect a variety of responses. In some relationships, the
partner's response oscillates between outright rejection
and total acceptance. But even in the best of circumstances,
disclosure generally alters the relationship.
Partner's Issues on Transgender Behavior.
1. Social Stigma -- What you don't
see is what you often get.
In our society today, it is acceptable
for women to wear a variety of clothing, from sexy and sensual
(e.g. slinky dresses), to utilitarian and functional (jeans
and sweaters). They have the opportunity to express their
inner feelings through the clothes they choose to wear in
public. In general, men do not have the same option. Male
attire is traditionally conservative. Flamboyant male attire,
other than in a theatrical setting, is associated with homosexual
or profligate behavior. A male in traditional female clothing
is automatically assumed to homosexual, or a sexual pervert,
or a generally undesirable person. A female in traditional
male clothing will not experience the same labeling process,
unless she takes the crossdressing to wild extremes. In
this respect, a female crossdresser is less likely to experience
a social stigma for her crossdressing behavior.
Partners in relationships with crossdressers
may experience fear of social reprisals if their mate's
crossdressing is discovered. This is not an unreasonable
reaction. In many job situations, particularly in government
service, the discovery of crossdressing behavior may be
grounds for immediate dismissal. The social stigma attached
to crossdressing can make a partner afraid to confide their
fears and concerns to anyone else. They are afraid that
they may be ridiculed or ostracized for being a partner
in such a relationship. This leads to feelings of isolation.
One might assume that partners in
homosexual relationships would be more accepting of crossdressing
behavior. This is simply not the case. A homosexual partner
may fear reinforcing the social stereotype which links homosexuality
with behaviors associated with the other gender (the effeminate
gay man, the masculine lesbian). So, they too have fear
of social reprisals.
2. Self-esteem -- You're not okay
and neither am I.
Some partners react to spousal crossdressing
out of a lack of self-esteem. They immediately ask, "What
have I done wrong? ...How could s/he do this to me? ...What
is wrong with me?" People who react this way feel negatively
about themselves and they transfer the "guilt" of the behavior
to themselves.
Women in our Western culture have
not enjoyed a position of equality for over 2000 years.
They've been told they're "too fragile" or "not intelligent
enough" to perform certain jobs. We know this is simply
not true today, but the socialization of women as "lessers"
to men continues around the world. It is no wonder, then,
that a heterosexual women may react negatively to her husband's
crossdressing. She may feel that she has failed as a women,
a wife and a lover. She may also feel she must "compete"
with her husband's feminine persona. She may be threatened
by his crossdressing, particularly if he looks convincingly
like a female.
A heterosexual man who discovers he
has married a crossdressing woman, may experience similar
feelings of inadequacy and competition, although "masculine"
women are more acceptable to society than "feminine" men.
Because, by definition, a homosexual
is erotically aroused by a same-sex body image, the partner
of a crossdresser in a homosexual relationship may experience
feelings of rejection, both for and by the crossdresser.
If the partner already has self-esteem issues because of
their sexual orientation, the crossdressing may only serve
to exacerbate these feelings.
3. Sexuality -- Am I straight or
gay?
Initially, a partner may have doubts
about their mate's sexual orientation. The most common reactions
by a heterosexual female partner are the fears that the
transvestite is actually a transsexual, a homosexual who
will engage in promiscuous sex, or that the transvestite
is a sexual deviate and potentially psychopathic. Some of
these preconceived notions are reinforced by stereotypes
in film and literature, e.g. the films Psycho, Homicidal and No
Way To Treat a Lady. Sometimes the assumptions about sexual orientation or transsexualism
will prove to be true, but, more often than not, they are
without merit.
The homosexual partner often rejects
the transvestite because the partner is not attracted to
other-gender figures or because of the partner's fear of
the stereotype which links homosexuality with behaviors
associated with the gender (the effeminate gay man, the
masculine lesbian.)
However, many partners of transvestites
will, sooner or later, begin to question their own sexuality.
Here they are in a relationship with a person that desires
(at least on occasion) to appear and be treated as the opposite
sex. What does that feel like for the partner? Since male
transvestism is intimately tied to eroticism, many male
transvestites want to engage in sex while crossdressed.
For a heterosexual female partner, questions of latent lesbiansim
may appear. For a homosexual partner, the issue becomes
the sexual orientation of the crossdresser. Will s/he leave
me for a straight man or woman?
Whatever the case, doubt about one's
sexuality and sexual orientation can only put an additional
strain on the relationship.
4. Loss of Intimacy -- What I did
for love.
It is often remarked by transvestites
that their crossdressing activities hurt no one. This point
of view is a selfish one; not surprisingly since transvestism
is a narcissistic, selfish behavior. Quite often a transvestite
will become so engrossed in their crossdressing that they
begin to neglect the public and private social aspects of
a committed relationship. Extraordinary amounts of time,
energy, and, frequently, money are spent developing their
alter-ego. The partner of a transvestite in the throes of
this self-discovery will often find themselves an "outsider"
and feeling neglected. This soon leads to resentment and
problems in the relationship.
As noted above, some transvestites
desire to engage in sex while crossdressed. If the partner
finds this objectionable and resists, the transvestite may
react by withdrawing their physical affection. This alienation
of affection then feeds other problems in the relationship.
Partner's Responses
1. Total Acceptance
In some instances, partners express
complete and total acceptance of the crossdressing behavior.
This may be due to a knowledge of transvestism gained from
past personal experience, or because of a sincere belief
that people should be entitled to express themselves in
any non-destructive manner. A partner of this type realizes
that many of the good qualities that drew them to the transvestite
are due to that person's transgendered nature. The partner
also does not feel constrained by society's definitions
of masculinity and femininity. In rare cases, a heterosexual
couple will reverse the stereotypical roles with the male
becoming the domestic partner and the female the breadwinner,
even to the extent of the crossdresser adopting a full-time
female persona. In some male homosexual relationships, the
transvestite could adopt the visible, public role of the
"wife," thus giving the outward appearance that the relationship
is heterosexual. Among lesbians, the transvestite could,
if both partners agreed, take on the public role of the
"husband.
2. Total Rejection
At the opposite end of possible responses
the partner unequivocally cannot accept the behavior and
requires that the crossdressing stop. This is often followed
with a threat of separation or even public exposure. Partners
may try manipulating the transvestite with statements like,
"If you really love me, you will stop." It is well documented
that, regardless of the intentions, transvestites cannot
just say "No" to crossdressing. The partner's complete rejection
eventually dissolves the relationship.
3. Partial Acceptance
Some partners react mildly to the
disclosure of crossdressing desires, recognizing that the
behavior is unusual but generally harmless, if managed properly.
However, attempts by the transvestite to involve the partner
more intimately in their activities may be met with resistance.
Such resistance may be perceived by the transvestite as
a personal rejection when it may actually be just a rejection
of the shared activity. A partner who initially shows partial
acceptance is more likely to progress to total acceptance
when provided with the proper information about the phenomenon.
This sometimes leads to an expansion of shared activities
involving crossdressing. But the partner's needs in the
relationship must be recognized. Common problems occur when
the transvestite loses sight of the need to have a "public"
relationship; i.e. one which the partners share with neighbors
and family members, or when the transvestite fails to realize
that the partner may not totally share the enthusiasm for
crossdressing.
4. Partial Rejection
The partner is repulsed by crossdressing
and is distraught over the behavior. In an attempt to salvage
the relationship, the partner acknowledges the need to dress,
but will not allow it "in the house" or "in my presence."
Or, the partner says, "you can do it, but I don't want to
know about it." Initially, this may appear as progress in
the relationship. But if the couple remains at this stage,
no longer discussing the behavior, resentment may develop
on the part of either individual. This discontent can spill
over into other issues and eventually the partners move
toward alienation. If the couple keeps a dialogue open and
if they explore the phenomena together in a non-hostile
manner, the partner sometimes accepts the behavior as not
threatening to the relationship. Thus, partial rejection
may eventually become partial or total acceptance.
Coping in a Relationship
1. When and how to tell a partner
As stated at the outset, many transvestites
fear rejection and so never disclose their crossdressing
behavior. The majority of transvestites in relationships
are either "discovered" or eventually tell their significant
other about the dressing, anyway. So, the dreaded disclosure
occurs anyway. It has been noted by several researchers
that the longer a partner is kept in the dark about transvestism,
the more negative their reaction after disclosure. It is,
therefore, recommeded that a partner be informed early on
in a serious relationship, and certainly before marriage.
The timing of disclosure must be selected carefully. There
are no hard rules. If it feels like the right time, it probably
is.
The transvestite needs to be sensitive
to the partner during the disclosure process. Bear in mind
that, generally, the partner has been socialized to reject
transvestism. The idea is to provide information about the
behavior, not force acceptance. The setting should be intimate
and private. Be prepared to spend as much time as necessary
answering questions. Once the initial disclosure has been
made, if the partner seems understanding at all, future
conversations will be much easier.
2. Some Disclosure Guidelines for
the Transvestite
Don'ts
Don't overwhelm your partner with
information. Stop long enough
to let them ask questions. Be prepared to stop immediately
if the reaction is one of shock. Sometimes, the reaction
may be delayed by days or weeks. Be prepared to deal with
this situation.
Don't describe transvestism in
negative terms, i.e. a "problem."
Transvestism is a part of one's personality, for better
or worse, and it will never go away. So, why make it more
difficult to deal with by giving it a negative connotation?
Don't surprise your partner by showing up crossdressed. Let your partner ask to see you that
way. It is a good idea to show them a photo first. Later
they may ask to meet your "other-self" in person.
Don't rush your partner off to
a transvestite support group meeting
until after they've seen you dressed in private. Your partner
may choose to never see you dressed and may never want to
attend a group meeting. If this is the compromise to fit
your need to dress, you must accede.
Do's
Do have printed information, like this paper, for your partner to read. Avoid fantasy literature
and magazines with contact ads.
Do suggest talking to a professional
counselor for impartial
answers to their questions.
Do suggest joining a Significant
Other Support group where
your partner may find peer support from the partners of
other transvestites.
Do discuss limits and constraints
on the crossdressing behavior
if your partner seems to be understanding of your need.
Some topics might be: where and when crossdressing is acceptable;
the role of crossdressing in the bedroom; and whether or
not to tell others, including children, other family members
and friends.
3. Some Coping Strategies For Both
Partners
For the transvestite:
Keep trying to communicate your needs.
Listen carefully to your partner's needs too. Talk about
feelings. But, overall, keep the communication lines open.
Maintain a balance between your "public"
social life and your "private" crossdressing life. Respect
your partner's need to have social interactions with people
other than more crossdressers. Just as you want time for
crossdressing, your partner will want time for hobbies and
other personal interests.
Respond to your partner sexually as
yourself, not your crossdressed persona, more often than
you think is necessary. Show your love and appreciation
openly and frequently.
For the partner:
Recognize some incontrovertible facts
about transvestism. It will never go away. There is no "cure,"
psychological or physical, for transvestism. Your partner's
need to crossdress arises from within. It is not a result
of failure of your relationship nor any failure on your
part.
Having sex with a crossdressed partner,
if it is pleasing to both of you, is not sick or perverted.
Sexual variations abound in many relationships; this is
simply one variation. You may find that lovemaking in this
manner is especially stimulating both both of you. On the
other hand, if you find this practice wholly disagreeable,
you should not be coerced into doing anything that makes
you feel uncomfortable. Make it clear that you are rejecting
the activity and not your partner.
Focus on the positive aspects of transvestism.
Some partners find their mates are more sensitive and attentive
when crossdressed. Women who have transvestite husbands
may find the men more helpful around the house with cleaning
and cooking chores.
Be willing to compromise but don't
let your own needs be overwhelmed by the crossdressing.
Negotiate limits and rules.
Join a Significant Others Support
group for peer support. You may find comfort in discussing
your issues with other partners who have similar issues.
Compromise solutions may be shared in such a group. Many
transvestite support groups have formed auxiliary groups
for partners. Be aware, however, that researchers have found
that the most effective Significant Other Support groups
are those that are independent of the transvestite groups.
4. Seek Professional Counseling
Many adults have a great deal of difficulty
talking about emotional issues, particularly men. It may
make sense then to seek out a professional counselor to
help partners deal with transvestism in the relationship.
Lack of communication and the inability to articulate one's
needs are the most commonly cited problems faced by any
couple in counseling. A competent therapist can facilitate
the learning of new communication skills.
In addition, the therapist can prevent
one partner coercing the other into unacceptable positions;
either forcing the acceptance of crossdressing or forcing
the cessation of crossdressing. The point of counseling
is not to reach one or the other of these extremes, but
to find the "win-win" compromise that will permit the partners
to continue in a meaningful and loving relationship.
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